503. Monsters Like that You Never Take Heed of the Older Matron Warning You that This House is Not Fit to Live in

Mrs. McGovern knows everything there is to know about Glendale. She’s lived here every day of her 72 years. And she’s so well known and well loved as a local figure that the entire town has forgotten her first name. But Mrs. McGovern forgets nothing. Her mind is as sharp as it has ever been and sharper than yours can ever hope to be.

She remembers the wedding dates of everyone married in the town square since 1948. She knows the names of all the town’s pets, and she knows the homes of all the most precocious children in town. (She avoids them on her walk home.) Mrs. McGovern can tell you the town’s history dating back to 1746, and she can recount in vivid detail the singular incident when Herman Temples streaked naked through the holiday parade in 1969.

Mrs. McGovern knows everything there is to know about Glendale.

So, when Mrs. McGovern tells you that there is evil in this house, you should take heed. When she tells you that this house is not fit to live in, the skin should crawl on the back of your neck. Your innate flight response should take over, and you should GTFO ASAP.

Lucky for us, you think Mrs. McGovern is a senile old lady.

503. Monsters Like that You Never Take Heed of the Older Matron Warning You that This House is Not Fit to Live in

Sarah G

What do you get when you cross a horror movie with a pile of books? She’s not always sure, but Sarah G is always there to find the connection. In the process, she has helped found a local nonprofit, started a satirical holiday, ticked off celebrities, and tried to purchase the lunar surface.

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