Since 1805, Monstey Awards have been presented each spring to the best and baddest in the world of horror and the macabre. For over 200 years, the 10-member awards committee has convened in a top secret location in the heart of Glendale, CA to choose four exceptional monsters to honor.
This year, in a moment of unprecedented confusion, the awards committee chair (responsible for keeping order and moderation among the committee), expired in a fit of spontaneous combustion. Committee members pounced on the opportunity to each nominate a candidate of their choosing. Without the experienced guidance of the committee chair, chaos reigned over the nomination proceedings, and no one was able to agree on just four winners.
So, for the first time in Monstey Awards history, we present 10 winners with 2015 Monstey Awards.
Our congratulations to the distinguished recipients of the 210th Annual Monstey Awards!
José Andrés, Hannibal Culinary Consultant
Kale and Entrail Award
Stuff Monsters Like wants to thank you for making the “human body” look as delicious on Hannibal each week as it does in our own kitchens. We’ve taken quite a few recipes from the show already and look forward to this season’s offal selection.
Image from Associated Press
Texas House Rep. Joe Barton
Bringing Superstition into Public Policy Award
Stuff Monsters Like wants to thank this prominent member of the Texas Tea Party for bringing superstition into public policy, which is exactly where we think superstition should live.
Paddy Breathnach, Shrooms
Best Use of Talking Cow in a Mooooovie Award
Stuff Monsters Like wants to thank you for using your film, Shrooms, to spook yet another generation of kids from the promise of psychedelics. Mind expansion remains one of the worst things for population control.
Dawn Brown, The Monster Shop, Inc.
Mary W. Shelley Award for Monster Animation
Stuff Monsters Like wants to thank you for bringing a miniature army of monsters to life through your 3D printer and the magic of the movies. We look forward to seeing more and more stop motion animation from the Monster Shop!
Caitlin Doughty, Ask a Mortician
Making Family Dinners Even More Uncomfortable Award
Stuff Monsters Like wants to thank you and the Order of the Good Death for using YouTube to shine light on conversations that had previously been hidden in basements or buried under the back stairs. Your videos inspired quite a few colorful comments at the last Family Thanksgiving.
Joanna Ebenstein, Morbid Anatomy Museum
Inspiration for Morbidly Curious Kids of All Ages Award
Stuff Monsters Like wants to thank you for taking a few “spooky” interests you had as a kid and turning them into a place where kids of all ages can learn and grow in their morbid interests together. You’ve been an inspiration.
Elvira, AKA Cassandra Peterson
Bringing Fresh Blood to B Movies Award
Stuff Monsters Like wants to thank you for pulling movies better forgotten out of the dustbin. Without your quirky humor and abundant cleavage, masterpieces like Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death might be lost to time and good taste.
Kent Hovind, AKA Dr. Dino
Coolest Heavy Metal Cover Concept Award
Stuff Monsters Like wants to thank you and your Young Earth Creationist followers for dreaming up the coolest heavy metal album cover concept ever. You say UFOs are not aliens, but are piloted by demons and Lucifer’s minions from hell. Dude, that’s awesome.
Craig James, former ESPN Commentator
Exposing the Patriots’ Connection to Satan Award
Stuff Monsters Like wants to thank you for helping us locate Satan. We were curious where he was. But since you said the Patriots’ support for gay marriage is “. . . Satan working on us,” we now know where Satan works; for the Patriots. Many thanks, sir.
Dan Lloyd, The Shining
Best Kid Ex-Actor to Work Blue-Collar and Become a Professor Award
Stuff Monsters Like commends you for overcoming any and all childhood trauma caused by working with Stanley Kubrick… at least well enough to be trusted with molding the minds of middle American youth.
Congratulations to all our winners!
To nominate someone for a 2016 Monstey Award, email us at firstname.lastname@example.org.