10. Monsters Like Hardware Stores

Wherever you find a psychopathic, deranged murderer, you can likely locate an old-fashioned hardware store nearby. These tool emporiums are good for all your knife-sharpening, drill bit, machete, hatchet, and chainsaw needs. After all, blades get really dull following a dozen slayings or so.

Psycho killers could never be convinced that those new-fangled infomercial tools would be satisfying weapons. Sometimes, the job requires an artisan’s touch. Only a true craftsman could construct a durable, long-lasting, weather resistant glove with knives for fingers.

Hardware stores always have a friendly and knowledgeable staff who can show you exactly what you’re looking for. I mean, who has the time to wander around the aisles all day looking for that perfect hatchet, when there are scantily clad teenagers to mutilate?
And while they’re perusing the latest razor-sharp implements of destruction, maybe they can pick up that new wall paper for the lair or replace that squeaky hinge in the dungeon.

Freddie Cruger


Jim MacKenzie is an amateur futurist on his way to guru-hood. He studied journalism and works in television. Jim writes for several blogs, including The Incredible Vanishing Paperweight and the satirical horror site StuffMonsterslike.com. Jim and his SML co-blogger, Sarah Giavedoni, have started a holiday, ticked off celebrities and tried to purchase the lunar surface. In his spare time, Jim likes listening to rock music, reading, giving away free books at his nonprofit "The POP Project" and trying to catch the real Thomas Wolfe Home arsonist.

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