11. Monsters Like Kidnapping Women

Much like video game players or motorists who place point values on hitting people in the street, monsters get points for kidnapping women. Women are fun to chase – even your average bar-going man agrees – the good ones put up a good fight when they’re caught, and kidnapped women always make the 12:00 news.

In the Monsters International Kidnapping League (MIKL), press coverage gets you extra points. It’s like getting the field goal after a touchdown. In fact, the point structure of the game is remarkably similar to the NFL, but without timeouts or penalties. (Usually the only penalties come from angry mobs with pitchforks and torches.)

The MIKL does not have a regular season, just a long tournament season. First, names of participating players are put onto a bracket. Monsters get a set amount of time to make as many kidnaps as they can, then the winner between two opposing monsters moves on. Vampires have been capitalizing on their recent popularity as a means of kidnapping willing victims, and so Dracula himself has won the tournament the last three years running.

So ladies, if you’re interested in helpin’ a monsta out, as it were, be sure to put up a good fight. Leave some evidence of your capture behind, and encourage friends or family to interview with the press if you ever disappear. You never know if your kidnap could determine this year’s champion.

11. Kidnapping Women

Sarah G

What do you get when you cross a horror movie with a pile of books? She’s not always sure, but Sarah G is always there to find the connection. In the process, she has helped found a local nonprofit, started a satirical holiday, ticked off celebrities, and tried to purchase the lunar surface.