132. Monsters Like Slurping Blood

Vampires are among the most proper of monster species. Most have spent centuries collecting fine china and silken clothing from their victims.

But despite millennia of social and cultural evolution, vampire anatomy has one fatal flaw.

Long incisors render vampires incapable of drinking from common glassware. Try as they might, they cannot bring a crystal goblet to their lips without having to slurp the blood into their mouths.

When vampire entrepreneurs took over the drinking straw industry, they did so as a means for concealing this problem. If everyone slurped their beverages up a paper or plastic straw, their own necessity to slurp would remain concealed.

And thus, vampire-kind changed the course of curly straw history forever.

Sarah G

What do you get when you cross a horror movie with a pile of books? She’s not always sure, but Sarah G is always there to find the connection. In the process, she has helped found a local nonprofit, started a satirical holiday, ticked off celebrities, and tried to purchase the lunar surface.

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