395. Monsters Like the Old “Devil Made Me do it” Excuse

Are you a victim of any of the following?:

  • Automatic writing
  • Body hopping
  • Magic-induced catatonia
  • Necromancy
  • Murderous somnambulism
  • Jamaican spirit possession
  • Demonic body inhabitation

Of course you’re not.

If anything, you might be the “victim” of uniformed local mushroom harvesting. Don’t make a big deal of your symptoms. Just take a chill pill, sit back, and enjoy the trip.

To paraphrase Keyser Soze, the greatest trick WE ever pulled was making you believe the devil exists. The old “devil made me do it” excuse? We made that up so we could get away with unspeakable horrors right in your own backyard.

It’s not the devil who forced your hand that night in the kitchen with the butcher knife. It was Marty the were-witch up the road getting revenge for knocking his mailbox with your bike.

Did you feel that pull on your soul last week urging you to buy a $100 gold-plated Star Trek pizza cutter when you haven’t made a frozen pizza since college? That was Ada; she’s a lobbyist for DiGiorno (and has recently taken up telepathic manipulation as a hobby).

So now you know. The world isn’t full of demons trying to inhabit mortal bodies to perform unscrupulous actions. Just monsters using you for our own spurious ends.

Hope that makes you feel better.


Sarah G

What do you get when you cross a horror movie with a pile of books? She’s not always sure, but Sarah G is always there to find the connection. In the process, she has helped found a local nonprofit, started a satirical holiday, ticked off celebrities, and tried to purchase the lunar surface.

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