It’s November, which means we now have the privilege of listening to you whiny humans complain about having to see the in-laws over the holidays.
Oooh. You poor puny mortals and your family squabbles. You think you have you disagreements with your families. Why—because you’ve been arguing for 10 years about the proper way to dispose of AA batteries or what kind of shoes to wear to church?
Come complain to us when your mother tricks you into fathering your half sister’s child in order to turn you into a monster like her. Or when your cousin finds out you had her fiance executed by an Eastern European mob ring because he made an amateur porno with the wrong girl. Or when you narrowly miss your opportunity to transfer your consciousness into a clone because your mom was hungry that afternoon.
These are the kinds of situations that make it difficult to sit around a dinner table together.
Your arguments about whether or not you’re going to settle down and have kids soon? They pale in comparison to the girl we picked up and had a threesome with who ran off with our inbred baby only to be kidnapped by some psycho lizard creature pediatrician.
Yeah. Try explaining that one over a turkey dinner.