474. Monsters Like Rapid Physical Deterioration

You know what you never see monsters suffer from? Dementia. Osteoarthritis. Chronic pulmonary…anything.

Our lives may often be cut short—regularly by you meddling kids. I, for one, have been killed at the end of fourteen consecutive summer camp seasons. And still, I always come back for more.

There are others of us who live for decades longer than you mere mortals in a single swoop. Centuries, even. And yet, even as their portraits age and they cycle through generation after generation of house staff, they never lose their mental clarity or their physical vitality.

But when we die—for good—we prefer it destroy our bodies completely, and we prefer it happen fast. Viral zoonotic neuroinvasive diseases contracted by bats, the desecration of sacred religious relics in pursuit of our Nazi agenda, the price for selling our soul in exchange for hedonistic youth eternal.

It makes for such a more interesting obituary than COPD.

Sarah G

What do you get when you cross a horror movie with a pile of books? She’s not always sure, but Sarah G is always there to find the connection. In the process, she has helped found a local nonprofit, started a satirical holiday, ticked off celebrities, and tried to purchase the lunar surface.

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