495. Monsters Like Public Transportation

Think of the worst day you can imagine. Now think of the one thing that could make it feel infinitely longer and exponentially worse.

Public transportation.

Whether you’re waiting in the searing summer heat for a bus that’s running late or trying to cram yourself into a subway car without making eye contact with the smelly guy undressing you with his eyes, public transportation is the single biggest hurdle to combatting global warming. Why would you ever want to sandwich yourself between two sweaty strangers if you didn’t have to? I’d rather crank the AC on a gas guzzler and sit in traffic, I hear you say. Same amount of time to get home, but you don’t have to crawl over a half dozen manspreaders to find a good spot to listen to the latest NPR podcast.

But, man, do we love it!

Public transportation stations are right up there with theme parks and sports arenas in our list of favorite places to go. Why? Because you’re there. You, and 50,000 of your closest friends. Or complete strangers. Your personal connections don’t matter to us.

What does matter is the huge mass of people into which you’re currently enmeshed. The more of you there are trying to find the right terminal for your connecting train—or whatever it is that you people do there—the richer the pickings there are for us!

You think your day sucks, now? Just wait until you see how many of us there are blocking the train out of town.

495. Monsters Like Public Transportation

Sarah G

What do you get when you cross a horror movie with a pile of books? She’s not always sure, but Sarah G is always there to find the connection. In the process, she has helped found a local nonprofit, started a satirical holiday, ticked off celebrities, and tried to purchase the lunar surface.

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