562. Monsters Like Hearing the Police Say, “This is a 3,000-year-old Egyptian Mummy exhibit. They just don’t get up in the middle of the night and walk off by themselves,” after the monster has already gotten up in the middle of the night and walked off by itself.

562. Monsters Like Hearing the Police Say...

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561. Monsters Like Inspiring You to Hurt Yourselves

Guys. The point of the movie was to not die. What are you doing? Running around blindfolded. Bumping into doors and posts. Injuring small children. Robbing banks. Crashing cars. You know what? Keep doing it. We’ll just grab a mojito, kick back, and watch. Thanks for making our job easy.

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559. Monsters Like Leaning into the Rumours

559. Monsters Like Leaning into the Rumours

If anyone knows what to do in the face of unstoppable rumours, it’s the incomparable Stevie Nicks. There was her very public relationship (and its subsequent dissolution) in Fleetwood Mac—a relationship that still attracts headlines decades later. And then there was the darker rumour. The one that she fought through…

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558. Monsters Like the Phrase “New Year, New You”

558. Monsters Like the Phrase “New Year, New You”

It was immediately overused and quickly became cliche. To many, just the mere sound of the phrase is worse than press-on fingernails on a chalkboard. But for our purposes, there’s another prime reason to enjoy the phrase “New Year, New You.” For us, the phrase can be quite literal.  

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557. Monsters Like Putting Our Own Spin on the Holiday Season

557. Monsters Like Putting Our Own Spin on the Holiday Season

First, you start with a box. Then, you fill it with pox. Wrap it in bright-colored paper. Top it with a bow. What’s in it, you say? That’s the point of the thing—not to know. Then you hang an oversized sock over the fire. Fill it with a severed foot…

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556. Monsters Like Dancing through the Pain

556. Monsters Like Dancing through the Pain

There’s a complete supremacy in immortality. The conquest of life over death that mere mortals can only chance, but in the end, never know. Over the years, one experiences many sensations. One sees regimes rise and fall. New generations build resistance against the sins of their fathers. And yet, they…

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555. Monsters Like Second Marriages

555. Monsters Like Second Marriages

I heard you once told your mother you hated her for making you eat brussel sprouts. Betcha didn’t know they would become the “it” vegetable of 2016. Betcha feel pretty bad about making something over nothing. Because now your mom’s dead. Well, I’m here now, child. And I’m running this…

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