568. Monsters Like Throwing Shade

568. Monsters Like Throwing Shade

Hey, King Kong—what’re you the ruler of? Numbskull Island? Yo, Mothra. Who designed your wing pattern? My grandmother’s curtains? Godzilla? More like Nod-zilla. What a snooze! Your momma is so fat, when she destroys a Japanese city, she destroys the WHOLE city.

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567. Monsters Like Being an Outsider

“Unhappy is he to whom the memories of childhood bring only fear and sadness. Wretched is he who looks back upon lone hours in vast and dismal chambers with brown hangings and maddening rows of antique books, or upon awed watches in twilight groves of grotesque, gigantic, and vine-encumbered trees…

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566. Monsters Like When Your Vegetables Eat You

Everything has its place on the food chain. Lettuce consumes the nutrients from the soil. Rabbits munch on lettuce. People catch rabbits and turn them into stew. But don’t be fooled—the chain doesn’t end with humans. Instead, it has a couple extra links. And those links are bigger, deadlier, and…

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565. Monsters Like Thin Air

565. Monsters Like Thin Air

When the detectives arrive to begin their search for the missing girl, they always say she disappeared into “thin air.” It’s never thick air. Do you know why? Have you ever tried to make an innocent damsel disappear into thick air? It just doesn’t work. It’s too hard. Trust us.…

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563. Monsters Like When You Disbelieve Women

563. Monsters Like When You Disbelieve Women

In fact, disbelieving women is one of the most monstrous things you can do. You know they’re not lying. You know what they say is the truth. But, you still decide to not listen to them anyway. They didn’t want to go in. They didn’t care about ignoring the dare.…

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562. Monsters Like Hearing the Police Say, “This is a 3,000-year-old Egyptian Mummy exhibit. They just don’t get up in the middle of the night and walk off by themselves,” after the monster has already gotten up in the middle of the night and walked off by itself.

562. Monsters Like Hearing the Police Say...

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561. Monsters Like Inspiring You to Hurt Yourselves

Guys. The point of the movie was to not die. What are you doing? Running around blindfolded. Bumping into doors and posts. Injuring small children. Robbing banks. Crashing cars. You know what? Keep doing it. We’ll just grab a mojito, kick back, and watch. Thanks for making our job easy.

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