24. Monsters Like Ancient Curses from Antiquated Gods

The world has now settled on a few religions with whitewashed deities and spirits. Nobody seems to worship the antiquated creators anymore. And these gods are pissed. Several millennia ago, you couldn’t go anywhere without praising or invoking the name Amon-Ra. I mean, he was frickin’ everywhere. These angry gods,…

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23. Monsters Like Limping

Monsters consider limping to be something more than just a dance fad or cultural identifier. For monsters, it’s a way of life. Literally. I was having lunch with King Tut’s mummy on Tuesday, and he was telling me how unbelievably difficult it is to get around after spending thousands of…

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22. Monsters Like Fearless, Immodest Women

Hanging around the murky depths of the lagoon all day makes it hard for an eligible monster to meet chicks. When the opportunity presents itself, any swamp freak worth its gills should jump at the chance. Many girls who visit the lagoon just sit on the banks, maybe throw a…

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21. Monsters Like Revenge Against the Perpetrators, or, Failing That, on Humanity

Revenge is a tricky thing. When an average man from rural Oklahoma with a past as an assassin commits an act of revenge by pursuing and killing someone responsible for shooting his wife and child in the middle of committing a drug store robbery, Hollywood makes a $400 million blockbuster…

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20. Monsters Like Sunny Days without Being Chased by Angry Mobs with Pitchforks

Can you imagine a better sunny afternoon than one spent sitting by a pond on a picnic blanket with a friend and a basket of snacks? It’s peaceful, idyllic, and relaxing. Now imagine that beautiful picnic being interrupted by a mob of angry townspeople carrying torches, clubs, and all manner…

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19. Monsters Like Mind Rays

Terrorizing innocent people is hard work. They scream, they run, they fight, they often shoot at you. Not all monsters are cut out for that kind of work, and even the best of the best get tired of kidnapping kicking women and running around in the cold and dark. Luckily,…

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18. Monsters Like Staying Up Late… to Kill You!

Many monsters are quite playful, and will do cute things like hide under your bed or gnaw on your face a little to show you how much they like you (see previous posts). However, like a rabid yellow dog turning on the kid who once played with it, some monsters…

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