Hellhound’s Handbook: Always Cremate Your Dead Pets

I know you sure do miss Sparky. He was always a good dog. Loyal too.

But now that he’s gone, you think there’s nothing left to do but bury him in the pet cemetery under the highway.

Okay. Stop there. Wrong.

If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s to never bury your dead animals in a pet cemetery.


Almost every time, the cemetery is the victim of an ancient curse.

Once in the ground, your pets will come back to life, thirsting for your blood and the arteries of your loved ones.

One night, you’ll be gathered around the dinner table with your family ready to eat lasagna. There will be a tapping at the window, just like Mittens used to do. Your family will be delighted to find that it is Mittens. Through some miracle, Mittens has returned.

Then the bloodbath and slaughter begins.

Lesson learned.

Follow this link to some gorgeous photos taken at a pet cemetery in San Francisco.

Enjoy them, because the former owners of these pets will soon have a rude awakening when their deceased animals come back to haunt them.

Hellhounds Handbook is a new series created by Head Monster Jim for Multiverse Asheville. Stay tuned for more advice, straight from the Handbook’s fiery pages.


Jim MacKenzie is an amateur futurist on his way to guru-hood. He studied journalism and works in television. Jim writes for several blogs, including The Incredible Vanishing Paperweight and the satirical horror site StuffMonsterslike.com. Jim and his SML co-blogger, Sarah Giavedoni, have started a holiday, ticked off celebrities and tried to purchase the lunar surface. In his spare time, Jim likes listening to rock music, reading, giving away free books at his nonprofit "The POP Project" and trying to catch the real Thomas Wolfe Home arsonist.

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