Guest post by musician Ben Wilson
There’s nothing better for a monster than to be able to set up shop in a small town that has no idea how to elect proper officials. Be it police force, zoning issues, or clueless politicians, you can literally get away with murder. Site precedence? Okay.
Fred Krueger was able to pedo-file his mistrial in Springwood, Ohio due to police officers never reading him his Miranda Rights. If he had been properly arrested, we would have never seen Nancy get some telephone-tongue or Johnny Depp‘s bloody bed geyser.
Born in sin? Come on in! Monsters can always relocate to the state of Maine. Stephen King will welcome you with open arms. Small town mayors and city councils have NO IDEA how to thwart vampires, devils, or Langoliers and Tommyknockers (whatever the Hell those are). Lawnmower Men and Cujos run amok without proper licenses.
The town charter of Gatlin, Nebraska can’t even keep their children out of the corn.
Smith’s Grove Sanitarium in Illinois was able to keep its doors open even after several Halloween snafus. “Pure Evil” can be ranted by a respected Dr. Loomis all day, but you have to file the correct paperwork to the Board of Directors!
Camp Crystal Lake, aka Camp Blood (WTF? Also in Illinois), should have been never reopened but state and local officials have short attention spans.
Pet Cemeteries and Poltergeists. Products of re-zoning.
Big city fat cats all over can be bribed to allow toxic waste in the sewers. C.H.U.D.s and TROMA Teams rejoice!
Federal Government: Recipe for Failure
Monsters can thank the USDA for always overlooking the ingredients in Texas Chainsaw-Style Chili (it’s people!), and the Stuff.
Even our warmongering government wants military killing machines in the form of barrels of zombies (much more fun than plastic monkeys) and Aliens (they sent Marines in for an obvious Navy Seals job).
For all aspiring monsters, there are great non-elected positions like Ambassador to England’s Damien (must have antichrist experience on resume).
And monsters can go to Springfield and wear their campaign pins proudly with their tentacled president-elect Kang! But Don’t Blame Me, I voted for Kodos.
Ben Wilson is an Asheville, North Carolina-based musician who describes himself as a Folk/Rock/Americana singin’, beer-brewin’, Bigfoot viewin’, ukulele playin’, National Geographic readin’ kinda guy. Ben’s music covers everything from zombies and hibachi grills to the Loch Ness Monster and zebra herds. For more information about Ben and to sample his music, click here.