Are you looking for a new best friend, a fourth for game night, someone to look under the bed when it’s nighttime? Are you looking for the one?
Here at Stuff Monsters Like we’ve seen our share of couples: the Hillside Stranglers, the Canadian Ken and Barbie, the Moors Murderers.
May we play matchmaker? We have a fine specimen of what everyone looks for in a female companion. Her name is ‘Anat and we find her in the Ugaritic myth of Ba’al. Ugaritic language comes from the ancient city of Ugarit in modern-day Syria.
The myth of Ba’al is Canaanite, a people you probably remember from the Hebrew Bible. Ba’al challenges another god, Yam, for rule of the gods. He is supported by ‘Anat who is described as going into battle scented with henna and spices. She calmly leaves the house, closing the gate behind her, and then – well, then:
She slaughters the people of the Western Shore
She destroys the men of the Eastern Sunrise
Beneath her like balls roll heads
Above her like locusts fly palms of hands
like avenging grasshoppers are the hands of the quick warriors
Grasshoppers may seem out of place and certainly do not appear to be scary. They tell us not to do bad things. They practice psychology and own Dalmatians!
But wait until they come raining down from the sky about your face and neck, slipping down the back of your shirt and finding their way under each footstep. And what if those grasshoppers were actually human hands! ‘Anat is getting real, people.
‘Anat then takes these heads and hands and ties them to herself as trophies. Covered in human appendages she then wades
Up to her knees in the blood of the swift soldiers
To her thighs in the gore of quick warriors
‘Anat then returns home from battle but she isn’t finished. Still thirsting for action,
She sets up chairs for swift soldiers
She sets up tables for troops
Footstools for heroes
Greatly she battles and beholds
‘Anat hews and cleaves and observes
Swelled are her innards with laughter
Filled is her heart with joy
The liver of ‘Anat with triumph
Once sated, ‘Anat, like everyone who has snuffed out human life, washes herself up and sets the house back in order before adorning herself in purple and perfume.
A perfect match! Right? Of course, right! You’ll be happy forever – until she kills you and then destroys all of your possessions.
‘Anat: Your Dream Girl
To Read More About ‘Anat and Ba’al check out this website.
Megan Miller is a classicist with a bent toward the macabre. She received her master’s from Oxford, but now tells as many monster stories as she can to the students in her university courses. To read more Ancient Correspondence, click here.