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Home Posts tagged "being dead"

Tag: being dead

384. Monsters Like Being in Denial about their own State of Undeath

“I’m not fat, I’m just big-boned.” “I’m in shape. Round is a shape.” “I’ve got something better than a six pack; I’ve got a whole keg.” You mortals and your tiring obsession with your weight. We watch TV. We see the commercials: exercise machines and Weight Watchers programs followed by…

Read more…if you dare

Sarah G February 17, 2015 May 24, 2020

381. Monsters Like the Human Belief that Bringing Things Back from the Grave Means the Person or Creature Will Be Exactly Like They Were Before They Died

Just think about the logistics of resurrection for a second, will ya? When a person dies, their soul leaves their body. When a cadaver is resurrected, a new and different soul has to take its place to give life and character to the corpse. Oh, also, this new soul will…

Read more…if you dare

Jimmy January 28, 2015 March 6, 2017

294. Monsters Like Keeping Pets . . . FOREVER!

“When you lose someone you love, they move into a special place in your heart.” But what if the one you love is Sparky, the funnest, most loyalest, best dog a boy could ever ask for? I say, don’t worry about the conversion ratio between human years and dog years.…

Read more…if you dare

Sarah G September 24, 2013 May 23, 2020

Hellhounds Handbook: Being Dead in China Doesn’t Pay Like it Used To

Being a corpse in Beijing is hard work. Call me an old fashioned capitalist, but I believe that a grueling day of labor deserves good pay. Oh, you don’t think being a corpse is hard work, do you? Well, I’ve seen people lined up at job fairs, I’ve seen people…

Read more…if you dare

Jimmy June 20, 2013 February 27, 2017

213. Monsters Like Leaving Inconspicuous Dead Bodies Lying Around in Ways that You Don’t Know if They’re Really Dead So You Try to Wake Them to Make Sure, But Then You Discover They’ve Been Alive All Along and Have Just Been Waiting to Kill You.

Read more…if you dare

Jimmy March 1, 2013 February 26, 2017

131. Monsters Like Knowing that Being Dead Won’t Keep Us Down

You may beat them down. You may chop off their legs. But that won’t stop the living dead. They have all the time in the world. They’re coming for you.

Read more…if you dare

Jimmy July 6, 2012 August 22, 2018

121. Monsters Like Saying “I’d rather be dead,” but Really Meaning It

When you’ve been to Hell and back (usually on vacation in late July), the idea of death doesn’t seem so scary or pressing. In fact, knowing what’s on the other side can make you look forward to the prospect of dying. I know I, for one, am really looking forward…

Read more…if you dare

Sarah G May 22, 2012 May 23, 2020
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